www.JonesToTheGrindstone.com [1]
[2]
I was in the doctor’s office waiting room and scanning for reading materials. A stack of pamphlets immediately caught my eye. The main header, in a solemn-looking font, stated, “Pressures of military life can lead to stress, despair, marriage and family problems.”
The pamphlet extolled the virtues of visiting a mental health care provider if you are experiencing these negative situations. Yes, this is a good idea, but running off to see a therapist is a luxury—having the co-pay and taking off time from life to talk about oneself. However, some people try to “stuff it” which lends itself to a future embarrassing meltdown at some seemingly unrelated, inopportune moment. Furthermore, anyone who denies having these upsets is a liar or, simply, “emotionally unavailable”.
One of the more acidic experiences a spouse can endure is preparing for their mate to go off to a foreign, hostile country for a “remote tour”, or for another type, and a new term these days, a “365”. (These two do differ technically, but that’s for another day’s discussion.) Either way, their spouse and usually parent of their child(ren) is “going away” for at least a year. And the family is not invited.
The last, lingering days before this major transition are agonizing. The spouse being left behind to rearrange her life without her mate is in a constant fight with herself. (I use the female example because the military is overwhelmingly male.) Meaning, she is in a mental tug-of-war between wanting her mate to stay at home for another day and wishing he would get the hell out of there already—so she can start grieving.
Yes, I used the word, “grieve;” for, it is like the mate has figuratively died. The surrounding props are unchanged and the family activities are the same, but now the spouse is left to do it all alone for 12+ long months. There is a lot of crying and sadness. There is intense physical pain from missing your loved one during this initial period. Hearts are ripped apart and time is lost with your spouse. And missing your children experience their lives for a year—cannot be adequately compensated, no matter the monetary amount or tax break.
Last March, I was on the phone with a girlfriend who was about to send her husband on a “365” in Afghanistan. She anxiously described how busy she and the kids were going to be for the summer while her husband was gone. (Let me explain, this particular family is tight—they are a unit, rock-solid.) Plans of travel abound for the husband’s beloved left-behinds and all the distractions that ensue with that. Then, she wrapped-up the summer report with how they will return in time for the start of school. I flatly said, “And then it’s August… [extended pause.]”
My witty friend, after the prolonged pause’s time naturally expired, dryly added, “I’m trying to be positive here, Karen.”
I knew that, but I was hoping to show her how clearly I understood that her year was going to be lengthy and arduous. I concluded by telling her that I have no doubt that she will survive this separation. But, that I was truly sorry that her family was going to have to go through their rough year.
This is a family’s story of sacrifice that is done to support OUR government’s mission to keep our homeland safe. I ask that all of you who have never thought of the emotional pain and struggles involved with being a military family to please start taking note of these strong women, men, and children. They deserve it.
Addendum(Eric):
And with this post we welcome Karen Jones to BitsBlog.
Karen comes to us by way of a very impressive recommendation from good buddy Mel Douglass, also a recent addition to BitsBlog. I’ve known Mel for a lot of years, dating all the way back to the GT network days on the BBS’s in the 80’s and before. Mel and I don’t always agree, but I do value Mel’s judgments highly, so when he suggested I look at Karen as a BitsBlog Author, I took his advice gladly.
Karen’s first offering is rather typical of what I found at her site, [3] and is actually one I’m glad she chose, because it makes my explaining her purpose to you here much easier.
Karen’s task here, as with everyone I ask to write at BitsBlog, is to write about things that interest her…. things she’s passionate about. I tell everone who I talk to about writing here that is really the only strict criteria in topic selection that I will exact, that they write what they are passionate about… because of two main reasons.
- A dosage of passion in your writing will make up for a great number of ills in writing.
- If you’re not passionate about what you’re writing about it’s doubtful you’ll be able to maintain the reader’s interest level either.
Karen’s interests seem to me to lie in the slice of life stuff… and what’s going on underneath that slice of life stuff. .. and that’s an area too many ignore, I think.
Here’s why that fits, here… I have always held that politics ideally, and rather than being a game unto itself, is a means to represent our most deeply held beliefs and values to the rest of humanity. … that it is individuals and the culture that should be driving government, rather than what we have now, which is all too often, the exact reverse of that ideal. So, within that context, I think Karen to be an excellent fit at what is ostensibly a politically oriented blog, because she has the habit of cutting down into and exposing the values that life situations bring up. In short, she gets to the root of the thing, and what’s more, has an understanding of it, underneath the politics.
Welcome to BitsBlog, Karen Jones.
PS(Eric) : I find I must add a personal note, here. This article struck home for me on another level. As some of you will know, I’m about to do a career shift into long haul trucking. After 20 years of being married to a compter support tech, Donna will now find she has a husband who isn’t home for much of the time. After 20 years of my boots being under the bed every night, her only link to me, most of the time, will be the cell phone I carry, and my computer, while I spend the night a few hundred to a few thousand miles away.
Now, it must be said, that barring a traffic accident, the chances that I will come home again are well above that of anyone fighting a war, of course. Still, the seperation aspects for Donna … what Karen calls the “acidic experience”… is brought home to me.
And I wonder, more than a little.