Billy Beck has lost a friend. I wondered why blogging on his site was down to a crawl. Now, I know. Billy can often be touching in his writing, as in this case.
“And for the eight months of his life after Dad died, Rico always waited for him to come home again. It was uncanny. Mom would pull into the driveway, he would greet her, and then he would take a lap around the car that was almost ceremonial. I’m convinced: he was looking for The Ol’ Man. It was exactly the way he always did it when Mom (or me) and Dad returned from the chemo and radiation sessions.
So, I put him in his grave, today. You can tell me if you want to — or not — why I sat there in the freezing cold with a tear in my eye, telling this deceased animal that it was good to know him and that we always loved him. It didn’t even cross my mind that I could just tamp down the cold earth and then walk away without a word, but it would have been impossible.”
The reason is simple enough, Billy.
This is going to sound cold, at first, I suppose, and I’m sorry, but think about this: To a small degree, the reason is a selfish one. We’re really in mourning for a part of our own lives. It’s a connection with our past… and in your case, to your Dad. Favorite objects, when they’re broken, often get the same kind of response, to a varied degree. Cars, when they’re sold.
And of course, people, according to the degree they loved us and were a direct part of our lives, as well.
Your dog was affected by the same thing, in his way, given the circling of the car as you described it to us. Your Dad was ingrained on his being, and went absent, was missed. Think we’re any different?
Strangely, famous people we’ve identified with, too, even when we’ve never met them. Consider Elvis Presley…Talented? Certainly. To the degree of worship he’s gotten since his death in 77? With all respect, no. Rather, he represented an important….. (rebellious? Coming of age?) ….part of many people’s pasts. John, and George, same deal. God help me, Cobain had that effect on some, I suppose, and IMAO, the guy didn’t have the singing talent of a gerbil on crystal meth. (the gerbil on meth, not Cobain)
I’m not sure I have a larger point here I can put my finger on, directly. But I think I can in a more indirect sense, perceive some of the answers to all of this…. Since my Dad died a few years ago, I’ve thought about such matters quite a bit, as I’ve told you privately. In those years, I’ve come to a new understanding of the phase “The Bell Tolls for THEE”…Each time we lose a relationship like that, we’re losing part of ourselves.
I don’t regard this as a negative, now, though… Because as you’re discovering, we never really do lose them. In many ways, I can hear my Dad’s voice louder now, than when he was alive.
(shrug) For what it’s worth.
Tags: BitsBlog
